predictable as a clock, I am unable to sleep after again being forced into a conversation about “what it is that I want”. 

Thinking about the job, the nonexistent career, this increasingly difficult and foreign city, that R wants to leave (just as we bought this peak-of-the-market apartment), but I still love and want to hang on to, even if I don’t get to do much in, reliably brings anxiety to a level that’s too much for sleeping. 

Conveniently, two recruiters, from a big bureaucratic bank, and from a (notoriously horrible – I know someone who escaped from there) hedge fund wrote to me on linkedin. I left my old company precisely for the reason that it was becoming like “the others”. This is the one thing I shouldn’t be interested in. But I’m too tired of this limbo. I just wrote back that I’ll talk to them. Best to do these things while high on sleepiness and anxiety! Talking doesn’t mean I’m getting a job offer anyway. In any case, it’s been too long and whatever I knew is becoming rusty. This is a complete cop-out, and I have no respect for myself, but don’t know what else to do.

I don’t even have a fiction book to read right now to escape into.